I dont even know where I should start. Should I start with the fact that men are assholes? Yeah, lets start there. In my 18 years of life I have only had 2 relationships and out of the two only one was really worth remembering.
Lets start with the first one. This was a guy who I thought was amazing. Who I thought was my everything and who I thought I loved, and of course because I thought I loved him, I slept with him. Now this isnt going to be a post where I rant about everything that I regret, because personally I try not to regret anything because at some point in my life what I did, I did for a reason. Anyway this guy then decided that he was going to break up with me over Whatsapp while I was on holiday in Thailand. Like I dont know what his problem was. I was giving him everything he wanted and obviously that wasnt enough. Lets now talk about the fact that it somehow felt like he manipulated me into having sex with him. Although like I said I dont regret it, the more I think about it the more I understand that this was his plan- his game. His plan was to make me feel like I had to prove him wrong so that he got sex out of me. Which is why this is the relationship that I dont want to remember, all 4 months of it.
The second relationship I had was pretty much amazing and everything that I ever wanted, I genuinely know that if the circumstances would of allowed we would still be together happily. With this guy I felt like I was the only girl in the world. Of course there was hiccups, as with every relationship, but when we were together if felt like those hiccups didnt matter. He was a couple years older than me which was a nice thing because I felt that he understood everything that I was talking to him about which made my life so much easier. We were only together for 2 months but I swear that those were the best 2 months of my life. He continuously surprised me and I genuinely loved him for that. He made the little things that he knew were a big deal to me and made them an even bigger deal to him. Just to prove to me that he cared. He also knew what to do when I was angry which was something that no one has ever mastered. But I found with him I could never really stay angry at him.. And in reality I think that he was probably my first love. One thing I found about our relationship was that every time that we went out it was mostly out with his friends- although that didnt bother me in the slightest. What did bother me was the fact that every time we went out his friend insisted on covering the bill! Every single time. Now I know that this probably shouldnt annoy me. But I am not the kind of girl to be with someone because they always pay for me. The fact that me and his friend always got into fights because he wouldnt let me cover the bill at least ONCE annoyed me, but his friend did tell him that I was a keeper because of the fact that I kept wanting to foot the bill! The thing that stuck with me the most was the fact that for our 2 month anniversary he bought me the most amazing beaded false rose. (granted I know it cost him $5- but it was the thought that counts!) But I still have that rose in my room to this day. I will always love this man, he will always be in my heart. Unfortunately some times circumstances do not work out. In this case he was going off to university in South Africa and I was moving to England, which meant it was never going to work.
Now my current situation is one that is still a mystery to me.
On the one hand I think I am in love with a man who lives something like 150 miles away. On the second hand I keep running back to a man who I thought could easily be the one.
And then there is another man. One who I have known for absolutely years. At first it started off as just an accelerated friendship in which i thought would never go further. But as usual I thought wrong, lots ended up happening with him and it was sadly perfect because I knew it wouldnt last. But as he went back to university and I went back to school, we both realised our feelings for one another. Now I can imagine a lot of you reading this would be like ‘Go for him then, he seems to be the easiest!’ But as most of you know nothing is simply ‘easy’ and if it is then its probably too good to be true.. He is anything but easy. He is the type of guy who cannot really show his emotion, no matter how much you confide in him and tell him that you are there for him not matter what. He just wouldn’t do it. Well that is a wee bit of a lie. He would tell me how I tease him by wearing a low cut top around him and how I ‘definitely know what it does to’ him. Of course I know what it does to him, but with the way that my self esteem is I have to use the only thing that I know will get it attention to my advantage..
Now I’m pretty sure now, you either are completely bored of me, dont care about my life or think I am a slut. But there is a point to all my rambling.
I have always settled for what I thought was the best that I could get and as I get older I refuse to take shit from anyone. Although this is still hard for me I try. Ive been messed around by men thinking that they can get one thing from me and thats it- I’m sure that I’m not the only one who has been in this situation. I dont want that. Although I do enjoy the odd hook-up (Meeting in a club and making out) I never ever sleep with someone that Ive not met before or without knowing there sexual history- which is important to protect myself.
I will wrap this up now, I just want to say to all the girls out there who are having a hard time being single that you will find someone who loves you for you, and when you find that someone you will know instantaneously. He will not mess you around, he will be everything that you want. Now, dont get me wrong there will be fights, there will be times where the both of you will probably want to bash each others heads in. But understand that nobody is perfect.
Finally I want to say to all the men that have probably read this and are thinking ‘Women are just as bad!’ And to that I want to say yes, women can be just as bad but both sexes use this as a defense system.
Crush or be Crushed, which would you rather?
Men just confuse me